The radio is too loud

I feel like a man who has seen suffering, suffering, a word so often misused and misplaced, but it is at home here, for I have seen suffering, I have felt it's lashes, seen it's ginormous scope, days that once seemed so far far away, I have seen. Alas, time has made alive days that once were so distant, that they were mocked. I pray that no human ever mock time again, because truly incredible is it's might. Why do women cry,  I once asked? Women are more perceptive of the heart's plight. I never want anyone to know me, nor do I like to pretend. Hide, Hide, I must Hide! Where can I hide, when I am already hidden,  is this a confession, that will lead to my demise? People love me as a teller, but I just hide. The deeper is the tragedy, the more secret is it's depth. Should I face my tragedy, acceptance seems so hard, and denial such comforting respite. I need council,  no my insanity, should not be violated, and laid bare, for all to see.
 When is growing up? Perhaps, when you believe short-term dreams, are ill conceived. Truth be told, they are better. Time maybe all powerful, but it is sometimes too slow to eat up momentary happiness. Humble, I must be more humble, feel the pain, or time will severely humble me. Though, I have seen so much suffering, strong I am still. Is this seclusion, a sign that I am back to where I should be, or is it that I am so far away, that nowhere seems home to me. Strength, more strength, why does life require, so much strength from me. I still try not to despair, beautiful though  life can never be. Once , I heard there was penance with suffering.Well then perhaps I can accept this grief as penance for all my deeds.
 Everyone wants to perceive more , without realizing perceiving is the source of all grief. Laughing, once I heard, in laughing lay the key, many a hollow laugh later, I still feel the blood on the rot.  This sorrow is making me so dark, and even further I want to hide. Light, how can I find light , when all my light is gone. This darkness, is deep. Strength, I have still plenty, but courage none. I fear to forget, I must embrace evil, but unholy is such a path. If  only I could believe he is gone, then I need no longer linger in these terrible lies. And then I remember his love, that I can still remember how warm it was, shall be my courage. Such an incredible time we had, an ocean of memories between us, goodbye friend, you shall be missed.